The Insecurity of the Introvert

Inspiration comes in the most unexpected of places, and in this case it was on the train last night as I travelled home for my mother’s birthday. I’d been wondering recently whether inspiration was going to strike at all or if my blog was just going to end up like another project I’d started and abandoned somewhere along the way. Of course, I don’t expect it to last forever, as there is a time and place for these things, but it would
be a shame for it to end after only a few months.

Sometimes I get those days where I just take things too personally and assign negative motives to everything everyone says and does. (In other words, sometimes PMS just affects me really bad).

Even on normal days, though, this feeling rears its ugly head now and then- the insecurity that comes from feeling misunderstood.

Insecurity is something that affects everybody to a greater or lesser extent, and feeling like no-one understands you is probably something a lot of introverts experience. Being one myself, I hope any reading this can identify.

Firstly, the word introvert is often used incorrectly. Being an introvert does not necessarily mean you are a) antisocial, b) shy, or c) have no friends. It just means you gain energy from having time to yourself and doing solitary activities, whereas extroverts are stimulated by more social interaction. Introverts think a lot, but they may not say much. Introverts often express themselves better in writing than verbal communication; they may hate small talk but enjoy deep discussions.

Secondly, most people are not extreme examples of either end of the scale but lean more to one side than the other. This means an extrovert might still value some alone time, and introverts don’t hate all parties.

When I discovered this insight into introversion/extroversion, I finally understood and accepted myself a whole lot more, but sometimes I still get insecure about the way I come across.

Because being an introvert in today’s culture is not really seen as a desirable thing, at least in my experience. In school, I was constantly told off at parent’s evening for being ‘too quiet’. I was made leader of a group project and then told I did ‘surprisingly well’, as though my quieter nature was expected to equate with no confidence or leadership abilities. (I eventually became a House Leader, so that theory was disproved). The louder, more talkative kids in my class were given more attention than those who spoke less. Being an introverted university student can also be difficult- if you’re not massively into partying, you can end up feeling isolated. There seems to be a lot of pressure on people to be very social and outgoing, when that can actually go against their true natures.  

As somehow who is quite introverted, I’ve often felt misunderstood. I am by nature reasonably quiet. I’ve been blessed with an encouraging family and many opportunities to develop confidence, and I’ve reached a point in my life where I can comfortably say I’m fairly self-assured. So when others mistake me for being shy and withdrawn, I get really frustrated.

I don’t always say much, but with a tendency to blunt-ness and no-nonsense, I worry that people think I’m standoffish. I can come across as too serious and I worry that people think I’m boring, but if I try too hard to be more light-hearted I just tire myself out. I’m naturally friendly, but then people expect me to want to be chatty all the time, which isn’t the case at all. Sometimes all I want is to read a book and be left alone.

The above is surefire evidence that I worry too much. I don’t need to feel validated by anybody. God thinks I’m wonderful, so it’s silly to waste time trying to please people.

Introverted traits can be misconstrued, but there is a value in quietness. Sometimes I need to remind myself that my quietness is not a flaw but a strength.

I shouldn’t have to feel a need to apologise for who I am, what I enjoy doing or who I enjoy spending time with.

Well now that that rant’s over, I feel much better.

Any other introverts who’ve had trouble accepting themselves, or wanting to be understood?

Hopefully the next post will be less moany!

(Just to clarify- in no way is this post meant to make introverts look better than extroverts. We are all needed and valuable, and I envy you extroverts with your ability to get on with everyone so easily without needing to crawl back into your bed and watch a film afterwards). 

A few things I've learned this month

Lately I’ve been busy. I’m feeling the effects now of too many late nights and cramming too much stuff into a short space of time; I don’t regret any of the things I’ve done, but I’m relieved to be finally taking some time to sit back and actually think about things.

I feel like in the space of a few short weeks, so much has happened, and I’ve been running around doing stuff but in all this doing I’ve perhaps been escaping things that need serious time and reflection.

Over the summer life was work and home; quite a stagnant reality that was needed at the time. During those months I got comfortable in that routine, which is not to say that I particularly enjoyed it, but it was safe. 

Being back at university has pushed me right back into an existence that is definitely more radical. I go about this exciting uni routine thinking its perfectly normal, but actually the church I go to, the people I interact with, the opportunities I have- these are all unique to this time in my life and I really shouldn’t take them for granted.

In a way, even my lectures and seminars seem to be more challenging to me than my 9-5 workday was. This has nothing to do with the workload, but rather the fundamental questions that my course material raises again and again. The wonderful (and sometimes exhausting) thing about my degree is that it encompasses so many ways of looking at the world. You’re not just reading literature, you’re picking apart philosophy, psychology, history, religion and art. Literature is such a valid study of humanity, but I find it frustrating when seminar leaders raise questions that are unanswerable. Or, often, there is one overarching answer to many of the problems literature addresses. That answer is Jesus, and without Him nothing else really matters. I remember a few weeks ago at church our preacher Jim said something along the lines of- ‘Our culture has been constructed in such a way as to make life without God palatable.’ The longer I spend at university the more I see this truth. Discussing life’s problems in our seminars is all well and good but in the end everyone just goes round in circles. To understand humans, what better than to look to the Creator of humanity itself?

There is a passage in Ecclesiastes that perfectly demonstrates the futility of life without God:

¹⁰ I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
    I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my labor,
    and this was the reward for all my toil.
¹¹ Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
    and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
    nothing was gained under the sun.

Ambition and wealth, power and experience can all be good things but if God is not at the centre of everything we do; if we live more for ourselves and not for Him (which includes serving others), life is meaningless. Humans strive to find meaning in love, in nature, in knowledge or success. Being a student is exciting because you have so many prospects and opportunities, but even in studying hard, trying new things and establishing important relationships, can one really be fulfilled?

Despite getting frustrated in my seminars, it’s also kind of amazing when even in my course the need for Jesus is highlighted. I suppose even early American literature can teach me something about God.

Aside from what I’ve learned with regards to this, I’ve also learned something about myself these past few weeks.

I’ve learned that there are truths I need to confront and deal with.

I’ve learned that sometimes I depend on what I’m doing to give me a sense of self-worth. Over the summer I worked as a temp, but such was the nature of the job that I was needed in that workplace, and I gave everything I had to that role. Throughout the first week back at uni I was involved in helping out at Fresher’s Week events for the Christian Union. Busy, always busy.

Everything is starting to slow down now, and this term I’ve cut back on some of the things I was doing last year. I am glad to have more time but part of me feels as though I’m not being useful enough, that I’m somehow less because I’m not doing more. This is a completely wrong attitude to have about life. Yes, I do have a natural desire to help and also to lead- these are positive qualities. But I need to remember that there is a time and a place to use them, and that God’s love for me, thankfully, does not vary and especially does not depend on how much I’m doing to ‘be useful’.

I hope to learn how better to rest in God rather than strive too hard.

Finally there are things that are way over my head, both here and at home. Situations I feel powerless in. Throughout the busyness those things are still there, but God knows, and He will use these situations for His glory.

In the meantime though it’s nice to have organised my thoughts a little bit.

Thanks for reading this rather rambly post. I probably come across as though I overthink things way too much; classic English student thing.

C.

Update!

To all those back home reading this, hello from Canterbury! It’s been a few weeks since I have posted anything; I’ve had a hectic Fresher’s week of being involved with the Christian Union events, catching up with friends and settling into a new home, and then an equally hectic week of adjusting to new modules, lots(!) of reading and more spending time with friends.

It seems as though these two weeks have passed in a bit of a daze of exhaustion and excitement- and it is only now I seem able to collect my thoughts and update anyone interested as to how life is down South.

To put it as simply as possible, I am so glad to be back here.  I feel extremely blessed with the house I am in and the people in it. I feel that the workload will be tough, but I am going into my lectures and seminars with the right attitude this time. It’s good to be back at my church here; every week I come out of the service feeling challenged but also really encouraged. I love wandering around Canterbury’s back streets and visiting its charming pubs and cafes.

As I said recently to a close friend over a late night film, life is good right now. There is a feeling of rightness being here in every sense and though the work is hard and some things are confusing, I am excited for what’s in store over the coming year.

Excited, also, to see God at work.

Well that was a short but hopefully sweet update. Thank you to everyone back home who prayed for me last year, who sent me cards, texts and Facebook messages, who baked me caramel slice (looking at you Brian!) and generally loved me through some tough times. Your support has meant so much, and I am so so relieved I stuck out first year. It was most definitely worth it.

Hope you’re all doing well! I hope to be back with something more substantial in the near future.

Love, C. 

'I look up to the sky and say, you're beautiful'

⁸ 

Yesterday evening I happened to glance out of my bedroom window. It was around seven thirty, and the sky was ablaze with colour. I’ve seen many beautiful sunsets, but this one struck me as particularly glorious, so I grabbed my camera and ran across the road down to the country lane for a better look.

For a few moments I was a lone spectator, standing in a bare wheat field in awe at a sky awash with peach and purple, blue and yellow and storm-grey. At times like that all I can think is ‘wow, God, you’re amazing.’

I had a similar moment a few years ago on a youth weekend away in Sheringham. I distinctly remember going to the beach on the first night, as was youth group tradition (I have fond memories of football on Cromer pier, of playing tig in the sand, and carrying bundles of firewood down steep slopes in the dark). Anyhow, it was a clear night. There’s not a lot of light pollution in Sheringham, and I will never forget the sight of thousands of stars flung into a vast sky over the sea, moonlight playing off the water and the white crests of the waves that broke along the shore. I’ve seen some wonderful places in my life, but I think that was one of the most beautiful things I’d ever seen.

As humans many of try desperately to unravel the Earth’s mysteries. Some of us get frustrated trying to prove or disprove God, often tripping over our own intellect in the process.

As much as I applaud the efforts of scientists, and appreciate how closely linked science and God can truly be, sometimes I think that the sheer beauty of this world is enough to prove the existence of God and reflect His glory.

God calls His people to have a childlike faith, i.e. one that accepts without cynicism. We could all benefit sometimes simply from standing back and saying ‘yes, God, you’re bigger than my finite human mind will ever comprehend, but that’s OK’.

As I’m writing this I’m also reminded of the book of Job, which is a bit harrowing to read but has such a triumphant ending. What strikes me most about it though is the passage where Job and his friends are raging at God for his numerous sufferings and misfortunes. And God answers him this way:

38 Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:

² “Who is this that obscures my plans
    with words without knowledge?
³ Brace yourself like a man;
    I will question you,
    and you shall answer me.

⁴ “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
    Tell me, if you understand.
⁵ Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
    Who stretched a measuring line across it?
⁶ On what were its footings set,
    or who laid its cornerstone—
⁷ while the morning stars sang together
    and all the angels shouted for joy?

⁸ “Who shut up the sea behind doors
    when it burst forth from the womb,
⁹ when I made the clouds its garment
    and wrapped it in thick darkness,
¹⁰ when I fixed limits for it
    and set its doors and bars in place,
¹¹ when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther;
    here is where your proud waves halt’?”

…

²⁸ Does the rain have a father?
    Who fathers the drops of dew?
²⁹ From whose womb comes the ice?
    Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens
³⁰ when the waters become hard as stone,
    when the surface of the deep is frozen?

³¹ “Can you bind the chains^[b] of the Pleiades?
    Can you loosen Orion’s belt?
³² Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons^[c]
    or lead out the Bear^[d] with its cubs?
³³ Do you know the laws of the heavens?
    Can you set up God’s^[e] dominion over the earth?”

There’s a lot more which I won’t post, but you can read the rest here if you wish- http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=job%2038&version=NIV (Better still listen to it by clicking the audio button on top of the page!)

I don’t think any words of mine can add to verses such as these, so I will end on that note.

C. 

Title taken from lyrics to Phil Wickham's 'You're Beautiful'- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGlTzH9xkXQ

It's that time of year- some words of encouragement.

This isn’t meant to be a long post, nor a particularly meaty one. I hope though that some will find it helpful.

For adults without children, there is probably nothing significant about this time of year, but for many, it marks change.

Parents watch their four year olds disappear inside school gates for the first time. Nervous pre-teens don smart uniforms and brave the big scary world of high school. School-leavers start jobs or look for employment; others choose Sixth Form or college after their GCSEs. Thousands of students are driven to their new accommodation in cars jammed full of luggage.

Even if you’re just returning to school/college/university for another year, this time of year is probably a bit strange. Change always is.

I’ve been feeling a bit odd these last few days, which is likely a culmination of having finished my job- therefore giving me time to think- and having mixed feelings about going back to uni this weekend.

Mostly I’m really looking forward to it. I’m excited about living in my new house with some lovely girls. I can’t wait to see some friends I’ve missed terribly, and just sit and talk for hours. I look forward to my studies, to going back to Kid’s Klub, to Canterbury Vineyard, and to being in that pretty town again.

Of course there is always apprehension of the unknown though, and I dread having to say my goodbyes to my family. Goodbyes are terrible aren’t they.

But I think mostly what is bothering me is the memories of how I felt this time last year. Last September I was an emotional wreck the week leading up to uni, and when I got there it was even worse. Things are a million times better now, but I can’t help but be reminded of that time- a whole year ago, unbelievably.

These memories make me think of those who are starting/have started uni this year. If you’re reading this and that’s you, I hope these words will be of some encouragement.

My advice to you is simply this: don’t give up. It might be bewildering and overwhelming to start with. You might feel that nothing is worth feeling the way you do right now. I promise it gets better though. There is no cure for homesickness unfortunately, except going home, which is not really a viable option, and time. And when the homesickness goes away, or at least lessens to a point where its bearable, you’ll appreciate all the great thing your uni has to offer. You are where you are for a reason, and yes, you might be faced with some really tough times, but those will shape you and you'll come out stronger for them. 

Psalm 46 says this: “God is our refuge and strength,

    an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam    and the mountains quake with their surging.”

Let God be your strength in these coming days and weeks. This is for those who have started Sixth Form or college too, or have gone back for another year and are finding it tough. He won’t give you more than you can bear, and He has such great things in store for you.

There's a beautiful song by 'The Fray', whose take on Psalm 46:10's 'Be still and know that I am God' is absolutely lovely. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nUuBjz4Vhc

Also, if you haven't heard Bethel's 'Come to me' yet, where have you been? 

The lyrics are just perfect- "I am the LORD your God. I go before you now. I stand beside you, I'm all around you."

I hope those are of some comfort.

To all you new second or third years out there, let’s have an amazing year! I’m excited to see your faces.

Love, C.

Photo Friday 07/09/2012 - Summer!

Hello all! I'm feeling particularly chirpy today as it marks the end of my three months in employment! Now to enjoy a week of R&R (plus reading and packing, and my birthday!), and then back to Canters I go.

This weeks photo's are a bit of a roundup of some beautiful things I've seen and places I've enjoyed this summer. Hope you like them. Stay well!

The source of my joy

This post got longer than intended. Sorry about that.

When it comes to hiding emotions, I’m generally pretty good. I rarely let people see me cry, I can usually hold my temper, and I can keep a secret. Why so guarded, you ask?

Who knows?

Pride? Control? People often assume that I appear calm and quiet, so I'm not fazed by anything. It would be nice if I could really live up to these expectations, but although I can admit that I’m pretty level-headed, what people see is often just the calm surface; underneath the waters are somewhat more turbulent. But back to my point- I’m good at hiding things.

Except joy. When something good happens, I want people to know about it. I don’t mean to brag or to annoy. Maybe I do it because I like it when others do the same. If a friend has been on an amazing holiday or seen an amazing concert, I would prefer that she tell me how amazing it was, rather than that it was simply ‘good’ or ‘nice’. Don’t care how jealous I’d get, as long as I knew she fully appreciated it. Is that wrong? Maybe. I should let people do what they want, really.

I think though that sharing joy can spread it in some cases, rather than merely rub it in others’ faces.

By this time you’re probably wondering what amazing thing has happened to me.

The answer is… nothing. Or at least nothing momentous. The kind of joy I’ve had this summer has not really depended on my circumstances. Because honestly, despite the obvious perks of home, it’s not been an easy three months. Family stuff. Missing people. Work.

Everybody asks how my job is going, and when I answer them truthfully, they all reply with ‘welcome to the real world’. Perhaps they are right, but I like to think not. I need not enumerate on the reasons I’ve found it difficult, as all jobs are difficult in their own way and you have to experience them to understand. Suffice to say that as much as I’ll miss some of the people, I look forward to leaving.

I’m sure plenty of uni students have gone through some depressed moments this summer for many a reason, myself included. On the whole though I think I can safely say that I have not lost my joy.

I remember a conversation last term with my lovely friend Abi, and she said something that stuck with me. “To me,” she said, “joy is not happiness, or about how you feel. It’s the ability to say that God is good all the time, even when your circumstances are rubbish.”

If you look at joy this way, it becomes an active decision, not a changeable emotion that is manipulated by whether or not you’re enjoying the present.

For this reason I’ve been spending more time this summer thanking God and less time moaning at Him. Yes, God knows every worry and concern that I have, and He wants me to bring it before Him. Which is amazing in itself. But the fact is, God’s incredible love and goodness make everything else pale in comparison, and He deserves all the praise I can give. He deserves to be honoured by the way I behave at work. I can’t maintain the right attitude on my own; I get frustrated with people’s rudeness. But I’ve found that praying every morning for grace and strength has helped.

And I can look back over my summer and see God’s goodness so clearly, through my job but also through my friends and opportunities for some great times. But even without those things I still have every reason to be joyful.

Here’s the thing. God is not some distant being in the sky. Yes, He is the Creator of the Universe, and He knows every star by name. How amazing, then, that He should also know how many hairs are on our heads, that He should love us so vastly as to send his own Son to die, that we might not experience eternal 

separation from Him.

God is not just the Man Upstairs, and Jesus is not just some wise man who lived long ago and then died a painful death. God is the I AM; Father, Son and Spirit, and He is very much alive. His Spirit is here on Earth, and very much at work among His people.

Living life with Christ at the centre is more than praying for help when you need it or trying to 'be good'. If it were, what a stale life that would be, and how unfulfilling, as no matter how hard we try we will always stumble and fall.

But Christ transforms the hearts of those who serve Him- ‘”not by power, not by might, but by my Spirit”, says the Lord’- and this is the true source of my joy. If you have ever felt the presence of God, tangible and close and awesome, you’ll know what I mean.

I have no idea what’s in store for me this coming year, but I have no doubt that it will be exciting.

Nevertheless, this joy I have will not run out, nor will it be snatched away. And most importantly, I felt I needed to share it with you.

Thank you for reading, as always. I know I get a bit rambly.

Love

C.