A few things I've learned this month

Lately I’ve been busy. I’m feeling the effects now of too many late nights and cramming too much stuff into a short space of time; I don’t regret any of the things I’ve done, but I’m relieved to be finally taking some time to sit back and actually think about things.

I feel like in the space of a few short weeks, so much has happened, and I’ve been running around doing stuff but in all this doing I’ve perhaps been escaping things that need serious time and reflection.

Over the summer life was work and home; quite a stagnant reality that was needed at the time. During those months I got comfortable in that routine, which is not to say that I particularly enjoyed it, but it was safe. 

Being back at university has pushed me right back into an existence that is definitely more radical. I go about this exciting uni routine thinking its perfectly normal, but actually the church I go to, the people I interact with, the opportunities I have- these are all unique to this time in my life and I really shouldn’t take them for granted.

In a way, even my lectures and seminars seem to be more challenging to me than my 9-5 workday was. This has nothing to do with the workload, but rather the fundamental questions that my course material raises again and again. The wonderful (and sometimes exhausting) thing about my degree is that it encompasses so many ways of looking at the world. You’re not just reading literature, you’re picking apart philosophy, psychology, history, religion and art. Literature is such a valid study of humanity, but I find it frustrating when seminar leaders raise questions that are unanswerable. Or, often, there is one overarching answer to many of the problems literature addresses. That answer is Jesus, and without Him nothing else really matters. I remember a few weeks ago at church our preacher Jim said something along the lines of- ‘Our culture has been constructed in such a way as to make life without God palatable.’ The longer I spend at university the more I see this truth. Discussing life’s problems in our seminars is all well and good but in the end everyone just goes round in circles. To understand humans, what better than to look to the Creator of humanity itself?

There is a passage in Ecclesiastes that perfectly demonstrates the futility of life without God:

¹⁰ I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
    I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my labor,
    and this was the reward for all my toil.
¹¹ Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
    and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
    nothing was gained under the sun.

Ambition and wealth, power and experience can all be good things but if God is not at the centre of everything we do; if we live more for ourselves and not for Him (which includes serving others), life is meaningless. Humans strive to find meaning in love, in nature, in knowledge or success. Being a student is exciting because you have so many prospects and opportunities, but even in studying hard, trying new things and establishing important relationships, can one really be fulfilled?

Despite getting frustrated in my seminars, it’s also kind of amazing when even in my course the need for Jesus is highlighted. I suppose even early American literature can teach me something about God.

Aside from what I’ve learned with regards to this, I’ve also learned something about myself these past few weeks.

I’ve learned that there are truths I need to confront and deal with.

I’ve learned that sometimes I depend on what I’m doing to give me a sense of self-worth. Over the summer I worked as a temp, but such was the nature of the job that I was needed in that workplace, and I gave everything I had to that role. Throughout the first week back at uni I was involved in helping out at Fresher’s Week events for the Christian Union. Busy, always busy.

Everything is starting to slow down now, and this term I’ve cut back on some of the things I was doing last year. I am glad to have more time but part of me feels as though I’m not being useful enough, that I’m somehow less because I’m not doing more. This is a completely wrong attitude to have about life. Yes, I do have a natural desire to help and also to lead- these are positive qualities. But I need to remember that there is a time and a place to use them, and that God’s love for me, thankfully, does not vary and especially does not depend on how much I’m doing to ‘be useful’.

I hope to learn how better to rest in God rather than strive too hard.

Finally there are things that are way over my head, both here and at home. Situations I feel powerless in. Throughout the busyness those things are still there, but God knows, and He will use these situations for His glory.

In the meantime though it’s nice to have organised my thoughts a little bit.

Thanks for reading this rather rambly post. I probably come across as though I overthink things way too much; classic English student thing.

C.

Update!

To all those back home reading this, hello from Canterbury! It’s been a few weeks since I have posted anything; I’ve had a hectic Fresher’s week of being involved with the Christian Union events, catching up with friends and settling into a new home, and then an equally hectic week of adjusting to new modules, lots(!) of reading and more spending time with friends.

It seems as though these two weeks have passed in a bit of a daze of exhaustion and excitement- and it is only now I seem able to collect my thoughts and update anyone interested as to how life is down South.

To put it as simply as possible, I am so glad to be back here.  I feel extremely blessed with the house I am in and the people in it. I feel that the workload will be tough, but I am going into my lectures and seminars with the right attitude this time. It’s good to be back at my church here; every week I come out of the service feeling challenged but also really encouraged. I love wandering around Canterbury’s back streets and visiting its charming pubs and cafes.

As I said recently to a close friend over a late night film, life is good right now. There is a feeling of rightness being here in every sense and though the work is hard and some things are confusing, I am excited for what’s in store over the coming year.

Excited, also, to see God at work.

Well that was a short but hopefully sweet update. Thank you to everyone back home who prayed for me last year, who sent me cards, texts and Facebook messages, who baked me caramel slice (looking at you Brian!) and generally loved me through some tough times. Your support has meant so much, and I am so so relieved I stuck out first year. It was most definitely worth it.

Hope you’re all doing well! I hope to be back with something more substantial in the near future.

Love, C.