The Beauty of Uncertainty

There are times when I get these inexplicable urges to write and honestly I don’t know exactly why. It seems though that as I spill words onto the page, my thoughts rearrange themselves and become clearer in my head; the unconscious becomes conscious, which sounds very Freudian but I believe there is some truth to that idea.

I was looking back on my blog as it is so far and realised that with the exception of a few posts, there is little that truly reflects my own feelings and thoughts as they are now, rather than simply lessons learnt from the past (and of those there are many). So I felt that it was time to give you a little insight into the real me, as I am, right now.

It’s always difficult when it comes to writing for a blog- how much of yourself should you reveal to your readers? You all deserve honesty from me at the very least, for sticking with me thus far, but obviously I cannot go into too many specifics so I hope you will bear with me and not feel as though I’m deliberately speaking in riddles.

At the moment I think uncertainty is defining much of how I am feeling. I am waiting on various situations, and there is nothing I can do but wait. I am waiting to hear from a job I applied for, so I can arrange plans for the summer. I cannot make any definitive decisions about where I want to go or what I want to do until I know whether I will have the means to do so. My mother is also waiting on a job application; her’s is of much more significance and getting it would not only drastically affect her own life but also probably result in our moving house so that she may have the office space she’d need. Lastly, I am still torn between studying abroad in my third year and staying in Canterbury; the easier option, but it would mean missing out on a wonderful opportunity, and finishing a year before some of my closest friends.

Those are the main immediate situations. There are others too that need not be expanded upon. But as a university student- or, really, just a young person, the theme of uncertainty runs so much deeper and extends beyond this year and the next. My whole future stretches before me, full of possibility, and though I am certain that God has it in hand and will guide me as and when needed, I do sometimes wish for clearer insight. Perhaps it is just evidence of my secret (or maybe not so secret- I can’t tell how other people see me) love of control. I truly believe though that despite this innately human wish to be master of our own destinies, living by faith brings better things than we could plan for ourselves. I don’t mean that we should be robots, nor that we should do absolutely nothing. God gave us initiative, let’s use it, people. No, living by faith is trusting that whatever situation you are in-  the course you’re studying, the position you’ve been given, your passions and interests, the people in your life, are all there for a reason and even if you can’t see it right now, it will become clear to you eventually. I need to remind myself of this; I know I need to relax and remember that God sees the bigger picture. We are all so good at dishing advice, aren’t we, and so rubbish at taking it.

There is some beauty in uncertainty. There is an excitement to my life right now- perhaps simply the privilege of youth, perhaps it is the relief of finishing first year and the leftover buzz of university life that will take some time to disappear over the summer. But mostly, I think it’s the knowledge that there is still so much to see and do, and even if I don’t know what they are yet, I can safely say that God is going before me and preparing me for all the good and all the bad that life will offer my way. It is that certainty that grounds me in the midst of all the not-knowing and not-understanding.

Jeremiah 29: 11.

Thanks for reading, as always.

C.