2012- thoughts on this year and hopes for the next

Nobody is going to find a summary of my year all that exciting, unless you’re the type who loves receiving Christmas cards with those family newsletters attached. I’m mostly writing this for me, to remember everything I have to be thankful for and to figure out what I want for the future. But if you are reading this, I hope it brings some encouragement.

This time last year I was off to the cinema before ushering in 2012 with the firework display in town. It sounds ridiculously corny, but I remember being with friends, watching the glitter of those fireworks and feeling really good about the year ahead.

It actually got off to a rocky start. I didn’t know whether I even wanted to be at University. The first week back after Christmas, I was a mess of indecision. I put on a brave face, but inwardly I couldn’t have been more miserable.

Help came in the form of very patient parents and good friends, and by the end of that week, I had my answer. I was walking through campus and I suddenly knew I wanted to stay. God showed me where the problem lay, and He showed me what I really wanted. Since then, I focused on everything that was good about my uni life, and though I was still homesick and hating the house I was in, things got better.

Within a fortnight of deciding to stay I’d started volunteering at ‘Kidz Klub’, joined the belly dancing society, and generally made peace with my situation. One of my best friends told me that if I stayed, I’d ‘grab the bull by the horns and really make the most of things’. He was right.

Perhaps best of all about those two weeks was that five other girls and myself found a house for 2^nd year. From the moment we saw it, we knew that house was a gift from God. Everything about it was right, and somehow we managed to be the first viewing of the day and beat several other interested groups to signing the contract. I remember we prayed this house would be a joy and a blessing, to ourselves and to anyone who walked through the door, and after having lived in it for a term, that prayer has been answered in such an obvious way.

Through good and bad (and there were many bad days), God was right there, whether I recognised it or not. With every passing day, I learnt something about myself. Romans 5 v 3-5 says this: ‘But we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.’

First year passed; the hardest, strangest, and actually most blessed year of my life so far. Suddenly I was back home, bored after suddenly having nothing to do, and realising I was in desperate need of a job. That prayer was answered too, and I got more than I bargained for with a full time contract in a madly busy office. The job was pretty rubbish really; complaints departments are never fun, and when money is the cause for complaint, you can be sure people are going to be very upset, often obnoxious, and sometimes rude. For an inexperienced temp I had more responsibility than I’d imagined, but also, for an inexperienced temp I was well paid. That job gave me the money I needed to finance a whole term of rent, so with my student loan I was independent of my parents for the first time in my life. (Not sure how next term is going to be financed, but God will sort that one out too).

The most summer holiday I got this year was three days in Northern Ireland to visit a friend, but hopefully next year will be different! We can’t have it all can we?

Eventually September came, I left my job, and Uni started again. The first term of second year was amazing, with countless laughs with my lovely new housemates, growing closer with friends, enjoying my course, and most importantly deepening my relationship with God. I am so so thankful for every friend, every good thing I experienced in the past few months. So happy to be a part of the church I go to. Yes there were low points and difficulties, life is like that, but overall I had a great term.

And suddenly the year is over and I’m sitting contemplating it all. Since coming home for Christmas out family has been hit with a few obstacles, but I know God has good things to come! Since being home I’ve really been seeking him and rejoicing in what he’s done this year, and it’s made me even more excited about next year! And of course, I’m going to Berlin in September! A year ago, I would never have been brave enough to make such a decision.

So what do I want for 2013?

Above all things I want to know Jesus more. I want to go where he leads me, love others the way he loves me, be a blessing to others the way he has blessed me. As of yet I have no other resolutions, because everything good comes from focusing on him. All my hopes and plans are in his hands. Proverbs 16: 3 says ‘Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.’ Not got much to worry about then really.

Well that was my year. I’d love to hear about your’s (and I mean that honestly, I’m one of those people who love reading about other people’s experiences). 

Joy to the World?

Apologies for my silence of late. I’ve been busy with essays and carol concerts and present shopping and social events, etc etc. This time of year is a bit mad for everyone, isn’t it?

Well, I’m back now after having spent the past few days finishing off festive preparations and catching up on much-needed sleep. I’m profoundly grateful to be home for a few weeks as I really need the rest, but if you’re a student you probably know what I mean when I say that coming home is a bit weird. For one reason or another, it’s never quite what you think it will be; expectations don’t quite align with reality, but I’m readjusting.

I’m trusting God will provide a solution to my every problem and concern. Taking one day at a time and 

remembering to be thankful for every good thing (and there are so many) really makes all the difference.

What I’m about to say was coincidentally (or not!) pretty much summed up at church this morning by our speaker, but after jokingly telling him he stole my thunder, he told me that there’s no copywright on what I wanted to share.

This time of year is my almost favourite- I love Spring best of all, but the Christmas and New Year period comes pretty close. There’s so much to enjoy- from family, friends and food to decorating the tree, watching silly films and singing carols. And yes, I do quite like presents too.

None of these things would have any real purpose if we took the true message of Christmas away. I think if we truly grasped how ridiculously amazing the Christmas story is, we would be celebrating with ten times more enthusiasm. John 3: 16 tells it in short. God sent his own son Jesus Christ, to be born amongst men in a messed up, broken world. Born in the most humble of shelters, to an ordinary teenage girl, in a small town in Israel. Jesus, wholly Man, related to us, sharing in our sufferings, and yet was wholly God, healing the sick, showing compassion to the unloved. Through Jesus, the world got to hear the Good News- a Saviour born to free us from the punishment of separation from our Father. On a wooden cross, Jesus paid that price, and rising from the tomb he conquered sin and death.

This is God’s love for his creation; through Jesus, the relationship between God and Man, broken by sin, was mended. This is the greatest gift that ever was and ever will be given. John 10: 10 says ‘I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly’. This ‘life’ includes Freedom to know this God, from whom everything good comes, and the promise of returning to the one who created us, who knows and loves us completely, for an eternity in a realm of perfection.

Maybe you’ve heard all this before and know it in the depths of your soul. Maybe you’ve heard it before but never really believed it was true. Maybe you think it sounds completely insane.

You might be asking how this could be such great news when there’s so much suffering on Earth. The recent Connecticut shootings. War. Poverty. Loneliness. Sickness. For many, many people, Christmas is not a time of joy.

So how can we really enjoy Christmas when there is all this pain in the world? A large part of it is being grateful for what we have; fully appreciate the food on your table, the presents under your tree, and the people around you. God loves to give us good things, but the richest blessings come when there is a thankful, rejoicing heart.

Several weeks ago, the pastor at my church spoke about the Kingdom of God, and how it is Here and also Not Yet. Jesus came to bring salvation, but he is coming again to make all things new. To make right a hurting world. Suffering is a part of this life, and we cannot make it all go away.

But. 

The Kingdom being ‘here’ means that though Jesus is not walking the Earth as Man any longer, the Holy Spirit dwells among us, working to free us from pain, from oppression, from guilt. And with that freedom comes the opportunity to love as we have been loved, to help ease all that suffering just a little bit.

This time of year does highlight the extremes of joy and pain in this world. The difference we can make to the lives of others may not seem much in the face of so much sadness, but let that never be a discouragement. Let’s be generous where we can, be it with time, money, patience or love. Not ‘because it’s Christmas’; there is always need. But if Jesus is truly Joy to the World, let’s respond to that message accordingly.

The happiest of Christmases to you all.

C.

Things I Love

This month has been a drag. Wet, cold, windy and dark, it's fortunate Christmas is fast approaching- definitely been feeling a touch of the November Blues.

I really like lists though, and thought I would compile a list of other things I like to cheer myself up.

Here it is.

Choosing a new tea from the tea shelves at the supermarket

The view from campus over the city on a sunny day

Finding a new band or artist you instantly love

Walking through dancing leaves when it’s really windy
Walking into Fenwicks, spraying my favourite perfume on from the tester bottle, and walking out again smelling awesome for the rest of the day

The smell of fresh coffee

Bookshops

When you beckon a cat and it comes to you to be stroked

Bacon
The first day of the year you can feel the sun’s warmth

Giggling over silly things with my housemates

The mutual joy my brother and I share whenever I go home, and the mutual arguing that happens five minutes later

Crisp winter mornings
Being given chocolate

Playing the piano
Belting out the Wicked soundtrack when no-one is home

Mint choc chip ice cream

Finding something amazing in a charity shop

When someone’s laugh is really funny

Wandering around Canterbury town centre’s back streets

Long walks with the family
The sound of waves on the shore

Sunday mornings at church

Vintage shops and markets

Belly dancing

Writing and receiving letters or cards
Holidays abroad

Wine

The anticipation before Christmas

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day

Crunchy leaves
Reading a book in my favourite chair at home

Getting excited about future events or plans
Coffee and cake at Oma's 

Summer evenings

The smell of roses           

Timely encouragements

Going on day trips to London
Spring flowers

Long chats with best friends

Dressing up to go out

The sound of my Portuguese family all talking over each other at high volume

Small group

Cute cafes

Babies laughing

Walking along beaches

Good essay marks

Hugs

This Week

Feeling inspired after reading Emily Dickinson, I decided to be brave and try my hand at poetry. It's at once more liberating and more restrictive than prose; I have the freedom to say less and let my meaning remain ambiguous, yet these few words must be more carefully chosen.

I have no idea what good poetry really is. I don't know if it's about its structure, rhyme and meter, or if it's purely about emotion. The following is just some of my musings about the past week. They are not intended to make a lot of sense, and for the record, I am very close to getting excited about Christmas, finally!

For your reading pleasure. Love, C.

Christmas feels wrong this year

Too early still for M&S promotions and obnoxious 80s hits

To these indifferent crowds I am another obstacle

Slowing their progress toward the display of cashmere sweaters

They have them in every colour; I picture middle-aged men pulling safe brown ones from the wrapping

Pecking well-meaning wives on the cheek

‘Thank you darling, just what I wanted’.

The expectant frosty twinkle cinnamon feeling floats ahead

Not too far off now, but far enough still

To make enjoying every day for its own sake

A possibility; life now has its share of excitement, the present reality is adequate

A hope - a dream - became reality this week

Berlin is no longer a musing, safe in its disconnection

I ask myself, can I have made such a decision?

Perhaps I am two people at once

Brave, smart, confident, joyous

Anxious, stuck, proud, a fake

Mechanical smile, forced laugh- not trying to be, but who doesn’t wear a mask?

Is it a mask when you are happy and hurting both?

More happy than hurting at that.

Life has bipolar tendencies. I cannot remain unmoved.

Why does one sting make all the good insignificant?

Humans have the best memory for negativity

So many words of love given by so many, easily forgotten

I choose to cling to these affirmations, take heart in God’s promises.

What a fragile strength is mine

Thin as spider silk, it bends but does not break

Corinthians flashes in my mind; in Him I am strong.

Truth can be slippery

I feel that I grasp it, before a careless word

Startles it, and it slides through my fingers

And I am back to second guessing myself, feeling guilty for not being above it all.

Telling myself I shouldn’t hurt

Shouldn’t take offence

Shouldn’t care too much when understanding too little.

‘Part of life is a lesson

Of how to let emotion ride in the backseat without letting it drive’.

Such wisdom is what makes Sunday mornings such a blessing

 ‘blessing’ ‘blessing’  ‘blessing’ so often this week

It doesn’t look like a word anymore.

If I wrote down every answered prayer this term

Being out of control would feel like relief.

Love, love, is a verb; love is a doing word.

Being an English student can be a wonderful thing. Fellow course-mates left, right and centre seem to be overflowing with creativity; ideas coming fast and exploding into poetry, short stories, even novels. It’s great to see that. Unfortunately I often feel a little left behind.

Having a blog is my way of forcing myself to be creative when I feel like I can’t. As a child I had such a huge imagination, but university is busy and much of the time I’m exhausted and I have no idea how to translate my life with all its mundanities and absurdities and blessings and trials into something beautiful that people would want to read about.

So I write my blog, when I feel just a little bit more inspired and little less blah, and though it may not be poetry it’s still my life organised in a way I can make sense of, regardless of whether others gain from my posts or not.

There is always the challenge of deciding what to write about. I was in a boring and slightly irrelevant lecture yesterday, so I used my lack of concentration to my advantage and asked myself, ‘what do I love? What am I passionate about? What’s been important to me recently?’ Because if I could figure that out, I’d have something to write about, right?

Well as I thought about it I realised that this term so far has been largely about love. Love given, and love received.

Before you start making faces at the screen, let me clarify. I don’t mean the romantic kind, with the big sweeping orchestra and the flowers and the fuzzy feelings.

I mean the type of love that is a reflection of the infinite, overwhelming love that Jesus has for those he has created.

This kind of love is ultimately a decision, not an emotion. Those lines from Massive Attack’s ‘Teardrop’ popped into my head suddenly as I sat in my lecture yesterday: ‘love, love, is a verb; love is a doing word’.

On Sunday I stood in church and once again was so moved by the free, abundant love that is shared among God’s people. It was the end of the service and people were praying for one another. As the worship team continued to play, people stood with a hand on a friend’s shoulder, praying blessings over each other’s lives. 

There were people with their arms around one another, groups laughing together, others supporting those in tears. I am so very grateful and blessed to be part of that.

But loving is not always as easy as it is on Sunday morning when we’ve all been worshipping Jesus and are feeling fresh and pumped up. What about those days when you are swamped in work, or haven’t had enough sleep, or are just generally feeling rubbish? What is love then? Certainly, it’s not a girly, flowery, pink loveheart feeling.

See, that’s where love becomes a conscious effort. Love is gritty. Love is stubborn. It breaks through how you’re feeling. It gives to people who might not be giving it back. It is patient and persistent with friends who let you down and drive you up the wall. It makes time for those who need it.

Let’s be real here- that kind of love is hard.

When you choose to love someone, whether they are a friend or a stranger, you take a risk. It takes a huge amount of vulnerability to really be there for someone, to listen, to support them and expect nothing in return.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8- this passage right here sums up what real love actually is and how we should be living it out.

You might be thinking that all this self-sacrificing nonsense is a bit of drivel. Maybe you’re thinking that the God I serve doesn’t want me to be happy, if He is commanding me to love in this way. That includes loving people who might not deserve it.

But see, Jesus loved us first. (Read this post - http://beccathinks.tumblr.com/page/7  by my awesome friend Becca for more of that). None of us deserve the depth of love that Jesus has for us. Jesus didn’t have to die for me. I sometimes look at myself, the real true self that I can keep hidden from everyone else, and wonder what God sees in me, that He should love me so completely.

Having known that love is what enables me to pursue this radical life of loving others. I fail quite spectacularly time and time again; but instead of letting guilt make me feel inadequate, I lean on God. Because God always, always provides.

This is the thing. God knows that I need to receive love just as much as the people He commands me to love. I might not get the same love back from the people I give it to. But the right people are there at the right time, often unexpected but so valued. They probably have no idea how much I needed that smile, that hug, that word of encouragement.

Sunday mornings, evenings laughing with my housemates, a chat with my mum on the phone, small group, coffee dates with friends. Whenever I feel discouraged, I think of these things.

The best thing about choosing to live this way is that sometimes, loving others isn’t hard at all, because those people are loving you right back. 

The Insecurity of the Introvert

Inspiration comes in the most unexpected of places, and in this case it was on the train last night as I travelled home for my mother’s birthday. I’d been wondering recently whether inspiration was going to strike at all or if my blog was just going to end up like another project I’d started and abandoned somewhere along the way. Of course, I don’t expect it to last forever, as there is a time and place for these things, but it would
be a shame for it to end after only a few months.

Sometimes I get those days where I just take things too personally and assign negative motives to everything everyone says and does. (In other words, sometimes PMS just affects me really bad).

Even on normal days, though, this feeling rears its ugly head now and then- the insecurity that comes from feeling misunderstood.

Insecurity is something that affects everybody to a greater or lesser extent, and feeling like no-one understands you is probably something a lot of introverts experience. Being one myself, I hope any reading this can identify.

Firstly, the word introvert is often used incorrectly. Being an introvert does not necessarily mean you are a) antisocial, b) shy, or c) have no friends. It just means you gain energy from having time to yourself and doing solitary activities, whereas extroverts are stimulated by more social interaction. Introverts think a lot, but they may not say much. Introverts often express themselves better in writing than verbal communication; they may hate small talk but enjoy deep discussions.

Secondly, most people are not extreme examples of either end of the scale but lean more to one side than the other. This means an extrovert might still value some alone time, and introverts don’t hate all parties.

When I discovered this insight into introversion/extroversion, I finally understood and accepted myself a whole lot more, but sometimes I still get insecure about the way I come across.

Because being an introvert in today’s culture is not really seen as a desirable thing, at least in my experience. In school, I was constantly told off at parent’s evening for being ‘too quiet’. I was made leader of a group project and then told I did ‘surprisingly well’, as though my quieter nature was expected to equate with no confidence or leadership abilities. (I eventually became a House Leader, so that theory was disproved). The louder, more talkative kids in my class were given more attention than those who spoke less. Being an introverted university student can also be difficult- if you’re not massively into partying, you can end up feeling isolated. There seems to be a lot of pressure on people to be very social and outgoing, when that can actually go against their true natures.  

As somehow who is quite introverted, I’ve often felt misunderstood. I am by nature reasonably quiet. I’ve been blessed with an encouraging family and many opportunities to develop confidence, and I’ve reached a point in my life where I can comfortably say I’m fairly self-assured. So when others mistake me for being shy and withdrawn, I get really frustrated.

I don’t always say much, but with a tendency to blunt-ness and no-nonsense, I worry that people think I’m standoffish. I can come across as too serious and I worry that people think I’m boring, but if I try too hard to be more light-hearted I just tire myself out. I’m naturally friendly, but then people expect me to want to be chatty all the time, which isn’t the case at all. Sometimes all I want is to read a book and be left alone.

The above is surefire evidence that I worry too much. I don’t need to feel validated by anybody. God thinks I’m wonderful, so it’s silly to waste time trying to please people.

Introverted traits can be misconstrued, but there is a value in quietness. Sometimes I need to remind myself that my quietness is not a flaw but a strength.

I shouldn’t have to feel a need to apologise for who I am, what I enjoy doing or who I enjoy spending time with.

Well now that that rant’s over, I feel much better.

Any other introverts who’ve had trouble accepting themselves, or wanting to be understood?

Hopefully the next post will be less moany!

(Just to clarify- in no way is this post meant to make introverts look better than extroverts. We are all needed and valuable, and I envy you extroverts with your ability to get on with everyone so easily without needing to crawl back into your bed and watch a film afterwards). 

A few things I've learned this month

Lately I’ve been busy. I’m feeling the effects now of too many late nights and cramming too much stuff into a short space of time; I don’t regret any of the things I’ve done, but I’m relieved to be finally taking some time to sit back and actually think about things.

I feel like in the space of a few short weeks, so much has happened, and I’ve been running around doing stuff but in all this doing I’ve perhaps been escaping things that need serious time and reflection.

Over the summer life was work and home; quite a stagnant reality that was needed at the time. During those months I got comfortable in that routine, which is not to say that I particularly enjoyed it, but it was safe. 

Being back at university has pushed me right back into an existence that is definitely more radical. I go about this exciting uni routine thinking its perfectly normal, but actually the church I go to, the people I interact with, the opportunities I have- these are all unique to this time in my life and I really shouldn’t take them for granted.

In a way, even my lectures and seminars seem to be more challenging to me than my 9-5 workday was. This has nothing to do with the workload, but rather the fundamental questions that my course material raises again and again. The wonderful (and sometimes exhausting) thing about my degree is that it encompasses so many ways of looking at the world. You’re not just reading literature, you’re picking apart philosophy, psychology, history, religion and art. Literature is such a valid study of humanity, but I find it frustrating when seminar leaders raise questions that are unanswerable. Or, often, there is one overarching answer to many of the problems literature addresses. That answer is Jesus, and without Him nothing else really matters. I remember a few weeks ago at church our preacher Jim said something along the lines of- ‘Our culture has been constructed in such a way as to make life without God palatable.’ The longer I spend at university the more I see this truth. Discussing life’s problems in our seminars is all well and good but in the end everyone just goes round in circles. To understand humans, what better than to look to the Creator of humanity itself?

There is a passage in Ecclesiastes that perfectly demonstrates the futility of life without God:

¹⁰ I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
    I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my labor,
    and this was the reward for all my toil.
¹¹ Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
    and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
    nothing was gained under the sun.

Ambition and wealth, power and experience can all be good things but if God is not at the centre of everything we do; if we live more for ourselves and not for Him (which includes serving others), life is meaningless. Humans strive to find meaning in love, in nature, in knowledge or success. Being a student is exciting because you have so many prospects and opportunities, but even in studying hard, trying new things and establishing important relationships, can one really be fulfilled?

Despite getting frustrated in my seminars, it’s also kind of amazing when even in my course the need for Jesus is highlighted. I suppose even early American literature can teach me something about God.

Aside from what I’ve learned with regards to this, I’ve also learned something about myself these past few weeks.

I’ve learned that there are truths I need to confront and deal with.

I’ve learned that sometimes I depend on what I’m doing to give me a sense of self-worth. Over the summer I worked as a temp, but such was the nature of the job that I was needed in that workplace, and I gave everything I had to that role. Throughout the first week back at uni I was involved in helping out at Fresher’s Week events for the Christian Union. Busy, always busy.

Everything is starting to slow down now, and this term I’ve cut back on some of the things I was doing last year. I am glad to have more time but part of me feels as though I’m not being useful enough, that I’m somehow less because I’m not doing more. This is a completely wrong attitude to have about life. Yes, I do have a natural desire to help and also to lead- these are positive qualities. But I need to remember that there is a time and a place to use them, and that God’s love for me, thankfully, does not vary and especially does not depend on how much I’m doing to ‘be useful’.

I hope to learn how better to rest in God rather than strive too hard.

Finally there are things that are way over my head, both here and at home. Situations I feel powerless in. Throughout the busyness those things are still there, but God knows, and He will use these situations for His glory.

In the meantime though it’s nice to have organised my thoughts a little bit.

Thanks for reading this rather rambly post. I probably come across as though I overthink things way too much; classic English student thing.

C.

Update!

To all those back home reading this, hello from Canterbury! It’s been a few weeks since I have posted anything; I’ve had a hectic Fresher’s week of being involved with the Christian Union events, catching up with friends and settling into a new home, and then an equally hectic week of adjusting to new modules, lots(!) of reading and more spending time with friends.

It seems as though these two weeks have passed in a bit of a daze of exhaustion and excitement- and it is only now I seem able to collect my thoughts and update anyone interested as to how life is down South.

To put it as simply as possible, I am so glad to be back here.  I feel extremely blessed with the house I am in and the people in it. I feel that the workload will be tough, but I am going into my lectures and seminars with the right attitude this time. It’s good to be back at my church here; every week I come out of the service feeling challenged but also really encouraged. I love wandering around Canterbury’s back streets and visiting its charming pubs and cafes.

As I said recently to a close friend over a late night film, life is good right now. There is a feeling of rightness being here in every sense and though the work is hard and some things are confusing, I am excited for what’s in store over the coming year.

Excited, also, to see God at work.

Well that was a short but hopefully sweet update. Thank you to everyone back home who prayed for me last year, who sent me cards, texts and Facebook messages, who baked me caramel slice (looking at you Brian!) and generally loved me through some tough times. Your support has meant so much, and I am so so relieved I stuck out first year. It was most definitely worth it.

Hope you’re all doing well! I hope to be back with something more substantial in the near future.

Love, C. 

'I look up to the sky and say, you're beautiful'

⁸ 

Yesterday evening I happened to glance out of my bedroom window. It was around seven thirty, and the sky was ablaze with colour. I’ve seen many beautiful sunsets, but this one struck me as particularly glorious, so I grabbed my camera and ran across the road down to the country lane for a better look.

For a few moments I was a lone spectator, standing in a bare wheat field in awe at a sky awash with peach and purple, blue and yellow and storm-grey. At times like that all I can think is ‘wow, God, you’re amazing.’

I had a similar moment a few years ago on a youth weekend away in Sheringham. I distinctly remember going to the beach on the first night, as was youth group tradition (I have fond memories of football on Cromer pier, of playing tig in the sand, and carrying bundles of firewood down steep slopes in the dark). Anyhow, it was a clear night. There’s not a lot of light pollution in Sheringham, and I will never forget the sight of thousands of stars flung into a vast sky over the sea, moonlight playing off the water and the white crests of the waves that broke along the shore. I’ve seen some wonderful places in my life, but I think that was one of the most beautiful things I’d ever seen.

As humans many of try desperately to unravel the Earth’s mysteries. Some of us get frustrated trying to prove or disprove God, often tripping over our own intellect in the process.

As much as I applaud the efforts of scientists, and appreciate how closely linked science and God can truly be, sometimes I think that the sheer beauty of this world is enough to prove the existence of God and reflect His glory.

God calls His people to have a childlike faith, i.e. one that accepts without cynicism. We could all benefit sometimes simply from standing back and saying ‘yes, God, you’re bigger than my finite human mind will ever comprehend, but that’s OK’.

As I’m writing this I’m also reminded of the book of Job, which is a bit harrowing to read but has such a triumphant ending. What strikes me most about it though is the passage where Job and his friends are raging at God for his numerous sufferings and misfortunes. And God answers him this way:

38 Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:

² “Who is this that obscures my plans
    with words without knowledge?
³ Brace yourself like a man;
    I will question you,
    and you shall answer me.

⁴ “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
    Tell me, if you understand.
⁵ Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
    Who stretched a measuring line across it?
⁶ On what were its footings set,
    or who laid its cornerstone—
⁷ while the morning stars sang together
    and all the angels shouted for joy?

⁸ “Who shut up the sea behind doors
    when it burst forth from the womb,
⁹ when I made the clouds its garment
    and wrapped it in thick darkness,
¹⁰ when I fixed limits for it
    and set its doors and bars in place,
¹¹ when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther;
    here is where your proud waves halt’?”

…

²⁸ Does the rain have a father?
    Who fathers the drops of dew?
²⁹ From whose womb comes the ice?
    Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens
³⁰ when the waters become hard as stone,
    when the surface of the deep is frozen?

³¹ “Can you bind the chains^[b] of the Pleiades?
    Can you loosen Orion’s belt?
³² Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons^[c]
    or lead out the Bear^[d] with its cubs?
³³ Do you know the laws of the heavens?
    Can you set up God’s^[e] dominion over the earth?”

There’s a lot more which I won’t post, but you can read the rest here if you wish- http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=job%2038&version=NIV (Better still listen to it by clicking the audio button on top of the page!)

I don’t think any words of mine can add to verses such as these, so I will end on that note.

C. 

Title taken from lyrics to Phil Wickham's 'You're Beautiful'- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGlTzH9xkXQ

It's that time of year- some words of encouragement.

This isn’t meant to be a long post, nor a particularly meaty one. I hope though that some will find it helpful.

For adults without children, there is probably nothing significant about this time of year, but for many, it marks change.

Parents watch their four year olds disappear inside school gates for the first time. Nervous pre-teens don smart uniforms and brave the big scary world of high school. School-leavers start jobs or look for employment; others choose Sixth Form or college after their GCSEs. Thousands of students are driven to their new accommodation in cars jammed full of luggage.

Even if you’re just returning to school/college/university for another year, this time of year is probably a bit strange. Change always is.

I’ve been feeling a bit odd these last few days, which is likely a culmination of having finished my job- therefore giving me time to think- and having mixed feelings about going back to uni this weekend.

Mostly I’m really looking forward to it. I’m excited about living in my new house with some lovely girls. I can’t wait to see some friends I’ve missed terribly, and just sit and talk for hours. I look forward to my studies, to going back to Kid’s Klub, to Canterbury Vineyard, and to being in that pretty town again.

Of course there is always apprehension of the unknown though, and I dread having to say my goodbyes to my family. Goodbyes are terrible aren’t they.

But I think mostly what is bothering me is the memories of how I felt this time last year. Last September I was an emotional wreck the week leading up to uni, and when I got there it was even worse. Things are a million times better now, but I can’t help but be reminded of that time- a whole year ago, unbelievably.

These memories make me think of those who are starting/have started uni this year. If you’re reading this and that’s you, I hope these words will be of some encouragement.

My advice to you is simply this: don’t give up. It might be bewildering and overwhelming to start with. You might feel that nothing is worth feeling the way you do right now. I promise it gets better though. There is no cure for homesickness unfortunately, except going home, which is not really a viable option, and time. And when the homesickness goes away, or at least lessens to a point where its bearable, you’ll appreciate all the great thing your uni has to offer. You are where you are for a reason, and yes, you might be faced with some really tough times, but those will shape you and you'll come out stronger for them. 

Psalm 46 says this: “God is our refuge and strength,

    an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam    and the mountains quake with their surging.”

Let God be your strength in these coming days and weeks. This is for those who have started Sixth Form or college too, or have gone back for another year and are finding it tough. He won’t give you more than you can bear, and He has such great things in store for you.

There's a beautiful song by 'The Fray', whose take on Psalm 46:10's 'Be still and know that I am God' is absolutely lovely. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nUuBjz4Vhc

Also, if you haven't heard Bethel's 'Come to me' yet, where have you been? 

The lyrics are just perfect- "I am the LORD your God. I go before you now. I stand beside you, I'm all around you."

I hope those are of some comfort.

To all you new second or third years out there, let’s have an amazing year! I’m excited to see your faces.

Love, C.

Photo Friday 07/09/2012 - Summer!

Hello all! I'm feeling particularly chirpy today as it marks the end of my three months in employment! Now to enjoy a week of R&R (plus reading and packing, and my birthday!), and then back to Canters I go.

This weeks photo's are a bit of a roundup of some beautiful things I've seen and places I've enjoyed this summer. Hope you like them. Stay well!

The source of my joy

This post got longer than intended. Sorry about that.

When it comes to hiding emotions, I’m generally pretty good. I rarely let people see me cry, I can usually hold my temper, and I can keep a secret. Why so guarded, you ask?

Who knows?

Pride? Control? People often assume that I appear calm and quiet, so I'm not fazed by anything. It would be nice if I could really live up to these expectations, but although I can admit that I’m pretty level-headed, what people see is often just the calm surface; underneath the waters are somewhat more turbulent. But back to my point- I’m good at hiding things.

Except joy. When something good happens, I want people to know about it. I don’t mean to brag or to annoy. Maybe I do it because I like it when others do the same. If a friend has been on an amazing holiday or seen an amazing concert, I would prefer that she tell me how amazing it was, rather than that it was simply ‘good’ or ‘nice’. Don’t care how jealous I’d get, as long as I knew she fully appreciated it. Is that wrong? Maybe. I should let people do what they want, really.

I think though that sharing joy can spread it in some cases, rather than merely rub it in others’ faces.

By this time you’re probably wondering what amazing thing has happened to me.

The answer is… nothing. Or at least nothing momentous. The kind of joy I’ve had this summer has not really depended on my circumstances. Because honestly, despite the obvious perks of home, it’s not been an easy three months. Family stuff. Missing people. Work.

Everybody asks how my job is going, and when I answer them truthfully, they all reply with ‘welcome to the real world’. Perhaps they are right, but I like to think not. I need not enumerate on the reasons I’ve found it difficult, as all jobs are difficult in their own way and you have to experience them to understand. Suffice to say that as much as I’ll miss some of the people, I look forward to leaving.

I’m sure plenty of uni students have gone through some depressed moments this summer for many a reason, myself included. On the whole though I think I can safely say that I have not lost my joy.

I remember a conversation last term with my lovely friend Abi, and she said something that stuck with me. “To me,” she said, “joy is not happiness, or about how you feel. It’s the ability to say that God is good all the time, even when your circumstances are rubbish.”

If you look at joy this way, it becomes an active decision, not a changeable emotion that is manipulated by whether or not you’re enjoying the present.

For this reason I’ve been spending more time this summer thanking God and less time moaning at Him. Yes, God knows every worry and concern that I have, and He wants me to bring it before Him. Which is amazing in itself. But the fact is, God’s incredible love and goodness make everything else pale in comparison, and He deserves all the praise I can give. He deserves to be honoured by the way I behave at work. I can’t maintain the right attitude on my own; I get frustrated with people’s rudeness. But I’ve found that praying every morning for grace and strength has helped.

And I can look back over my summer and see God’s goodness so clearly, through my job but also through my friends and opportunities for some great times. But even without those things I still have every reason to be joyful.

Here’s the thing. God is not some distant being in the sky. Yes, He is the Creator of the Universe, and He knows every star by name. How amazing, then, that He should also know how many hairs are on our heads, that He should love us so vastly as to send his own Son to die, that we might not experience eternal 

separation from Him.

God is not just the Man Upstairs, and Jesus is not just some wise man who lived long ago and then died a painful death. God is the I AM; Father, Son and Spirit, and He is very much alive. His Spirit is here on Earth, and very much at work among His people.

Living life with Christ at the centre is more than praying for help when you need it or trying to 'be good'. If it were, what a stale life that would be, and how unfulfilling, as no matter how hard we try we will always stumble and fall.

But Christ transforms the hearts of those who serve Him- ‘”not by power, not by might, but by my Spirit”, says the Lord’- and this is the true source of my joy. If you have ever felt the presence of God, tangible and close and awesome, you’ll know what I mean.

I have no idea what’s in store for me this coming year, but I have no doubt that it will be exciting.

Nevertheless, this joy I have will not run out, nor will it be snatched away. And most importantly, I felt I needed to share it with you.

Thank you for reading, as always. I know I get a bit rambly.

Love

C.

Musings on Friendship

This is probably not the most cohesive post I've ever written, but it's from the heart, and that's what matters, right?

I’ve always thought friends were important, but I think the past year in particular has reinforced this truth. I'm sure I've mentioned my friends several times in previous posts, and maybe you’re getting a bit bored of it, but sometimes I simply can’t help it. I do try to make a point of appreciating everything I have, but this is about more than just that.

It's a difficult thing to admit, but I’ve not always had an easy ride when it comes to friendships. I’ve moved around a few times, leaving friends behind more than once. I made a best friend when I was seven, who left for boarding school when I was ten. Secondary school was better, but even there I always found it hard to fit in. With a few exceptions, it wasn’t really until sixth form that I felt like I had a great friendship group.

They say that at uni you meet the people you will be friends with for life. I have been fortunate enough to have met a few people like this already during my school years. Even after being away at uni we can still meet up and get on just as easily.

I think though that when I started uni, I realised just what making friends for life meant.

Being at university is such an intense experience in many ways and it is that massive life change that brings people together; some likeminded (in some cases incredibly so), others not at all, but the connections that are established often run deep regardless. For me they have, anyway.

There are the friends I talk for hours with over tea or coffee. The friends who help me to grow in my faith. The friends I laugh with over a chick flick. Some of them I would love to get to know better next term. Others I feel I have known for years and years and can't imagine not knowing.

There’s a quote somewhere that goes something like this- ‘friends are the family you choose for yourself’. In many cases I have found this to be true.

Of course, being brothers and sisters in Christ, Christians are called to love one another like family, and what I love about my small group, for example, is that this really comes across. The genuine care, support and affection we all share is such a joy to experience, and has helped me through many a hard time during my first year.

I have been extremely blessed with good friends this year- God knew exactly what I needed.  It’s really made me realise just how much of a difference friendships make in life. Life, after all, is not made up only of what we do or where we are, but of the people who surround us. I’m not one of these people who need to be around others all the time; I appreciate my own space. But I suppose I just wanted to take a moment to share how much my friends have meant to me, as sentimental as that may sound, and to my friends who are reading this, know how thankful I am to have you all.

I hope each of you reading this is fortunate enough to be equally blessed in your friendships. I hope you have, or will find someday, friends who will laugh with you. Cry with you. Truly understand you. Stand with you through hard times. Bring out the best in you. Share your hopes and dreams.

If this isn’t how it is for you, have patience and take heart. Loneliness has to be the most awful feeling in the world, from my own experience, and no-one deserves to feel that way. But good things will come to those who wait.

Take time to appreciate the people who mean most to you.

Love

C.